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‘How can I orgasm during sex with my boyfriend without using a vibrator?’

‘How can I orgasm during sex with my boyfriend without using a vibrator?’

Amanda from New York City is 24. She says her boyfriend is getting frustrated because the only way she can have an orgasm during sex is to use a vibrator. She says her boyfriend can keep his erection for plenty of time, but that he isn’t very open to trying different sexual positions and tells her he feels like he’s not doing something right or that she’s not attracted to him. “That’s not true at all,” she says.

My advice:

One of the biggest myths about sex is that a woman “should” have an orgasm during sex from penile penetration alone. It’s simply not true and it leads to the kinds of frustrations that you and your boyfriend are experiencing. The fact is that between 40% and 50% of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone.

Ironically, the most common sexual position, the man-on-top classic missionary position, is one of the worst positions for stimulating a woman’s clitoris, which, of course, is the seat of the female orgasm.

Amanda, I think your boyfriend doesn’t realize how good he’s got it. Here he’s got a woman who enjoys sex, knows how to bring herself to orgasm, and isn’t afraid of experimenting with a vibrator during sex to make that happen. He’s also taking your inability to orgasm by penetration alone way too personally.

Like a lot of men, he needs to get over his fantasy that he can somehow bring a woman to orgasm simply by making love to her. Instead, he should accept that some kind of extra stimulation of the clitoris, by fingers, tongues, a vibrator — whatever — is normal.

Incorporating a vibrator into sex can be a great way to help a woman have an orgasm.  But if using a vibrator is a turn-off for some reason—as it seems to be for your boyfriend—there are plenty of things you could do. You or your boyfriend could use one or two fingers to rub your clitoris during intercourse. Certain sex positions make that easier, such as woman-on-top (facing either forward or backward) or “doggie” position with the man behind, which makes it easier for a woman to manually stimulate herself.

Another thing you and your boyfriend could do is experiment with positions that stimulate your G-spot, which is typically a small area on the roof of the vagina near the opening of the urethra, though women may find other pleasurable spots elsewhere.

Positions that increase the likelihood of finding the G-spot include those that shallowly stimulate the top wall of the vagina. Again, woman-on-top is great for allowing a woman to lean forward or back to see if a certain angle hits the spot or better stimulates the clitoris. Couples also might want to try rear-entry positions, with the woman experimenting with how far down she leans.

With an open, playful attitude the challenge of finding the best techniques or positions to bring a woman maximum pleasure can be a source of pleasure in itself!

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