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‘My girlfriend is a dominatrix – Can our relationship survive this crazy lifestyle?’

‘My girlfriend is a dominatrix – Can our relationship survive this crazy lifestyle?’

Charlie is 47 and his girlfriend, Vanessa, is 19. They recently moved from South Florida to New York during the middle of winter. They’re living in a one-bedroom apartment. Charlie is unemployed and feels tired and lacks motivation. Vanessa dreams of being a model or an actress, but she’s currently making a living as a dominatrix — a woman who provides non-sexual fetish services. They admit using heavy drugs on several occasions, including during sex. Vanessa is concerned their relationship may be too wild to last.

My advice:

You guys have some real problems. Vanessa: you’re only 19, and employed as a dominatrix! I know being a dominatrix doesn’t involve you having sex with your clients, but it’s not a healthy profession, and obviously Charlie’s not feeling very comfortable with it either. What you should be focusing on now is what the both of you want to be doing with the rest of your life. If you want to pursue acting and modeling, then go after these dreams, and stop wasting your time with unhealthy habits. You want a better life, and I want a better life for you too! You need to tell Charlie this directly, because if you’re not communicating openly with him, then it’s like you’ve already given up on having a future together.

Charlie: it’s time that you address your issues directly, especially your depression. Taking drugs is no way to deal with feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness, and will only lead to more problems down the road.

The real issue here may be that your relationship has run its course, and now it’s time for the both of you to move on. It doesn’t sound like either of you are happy with the situation you’re currently in, and you may not have a future together. If this is the case, then both of you need to have a reality check, and stop trying to make something work that doesn’t want to. This doesn’t mean that you cannot be friends or support each other anymore, but it does mean that it’s time you both took an adult step toward a life that makes the both of you happy, even if this means parting ways.

These are the kinds of tough choices that need to be made by people in an unhealthy relationship. You two are in trouble, and not only because of the age difference. Taking drugs for any job is not appropriate and in the end it’s only putting off some difficult conversations both of you need to have.

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