Relationships posted by

‘I’ve been able to orgasm in past relationships, but haven’t been able to experience this with my current boyfriend. What can I do to fix this?’

‘I’ve been able to orgasm in past relationships, but haven’t been able to experience this with my current boyfriend. What can I do to fix this?’

Brendan’s having a difficult time being able to give his girlfriend Sarah an orgasm during sex. Sarah doesn’t feel it’s such a big deal, but Brendan feels inadequate and is afraid this could ruin their relationship.

My Advice:

Sarah, sounds to me like maybe you’re not being totally straight with Brendan. Maybe not having an orgasm really isn’t a big deal for you, but I doubt that. Orgasms are pretty incredible things and I’d say most people really do enjoy having them. Now, if what you’re saying is that it’s not a big deal because you simply give yourself an orgasm when Brendan’s not around, that’s another story. Still a problem, but not the same problem.

Brendan may not be being totally clear either. Nobody really wants to admit feeling inadequate as a lover, so you might not know how deeply he feels about this. You both, in other words, need a good heart-to-heart. Tell each other how you feel, listen as the other person is talking without interrupting or arguing or trying to “fix” the problem.

And be realistic about your expectations for orgasm. The classic idea of having a simultaneous orgasm is actually rare and not at all the goal.

It takes women an average at least twenty minutes to achieve orgasm as opposed to men, who generally take less than half that time. Experiment with ways to bring Sarah to orgasm — and remember that only a minority of women can climax from penile penetration alone. Most women need direct stimulation of the clitoris, either by their partner or their own hand. That’s perfectly normal.

Incorporating a vibrator into sex can be a great way to help a woman have an orgasm.  But if using a vibrator is a turn-off for some reason—as it seems to be for your boyfriend—there are plenty of things they could do.  You or your boyfriend could use one or two fingers to rub your clitoris during intercourse.  Certain sex positions make that easier, such as woman-on-top (facing either forward or backward) or “doggie” position with the man behind, which makes it easier for a woman to manually stimulate herself.

Another thing you and your boyfriend could do is experiment with positions that stimulate your G-spot, which is typically a small area on the roof of the vagina near the opening of the urethra, though women may find other pleasurable spots elsewhere.  Positions that increase the likelihood of finding the G-spot include those that shallowly stimulate the top wall of the vagina.  Again, woman-on-top is great for allowing a woman to lean forward or back to see if a certain angle hits the spot or better stimulates the clitoris.  Couples also might want to try rear-entry positions, with the woman experimenting with how far down she leans.

If you’ve got an open attitude, experimenting to find ways of giving each other maximum sexual pleasure can be a real turn-on!

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