Shelly’s boyfriend has only been able to ejaculate three times in the past year-and-a-half that they’ve had a relationship. He’s able to have an erection, and gets close to ejaculating, but finds it won’t happen unless he masturbates. She’s worried he may have a serious problem, and wants to know if this is a serious issue and what she could do to help.
Shelly, I really hope you’re not blaming yourself for this, because this is not your issue. This is something your boyfriend is doing to himself that is having a negative impact on your relationship with him.
Your boyfriend has what’s called retarded ejaculation. I always say that masturbation isn’t bad unless it’s hurting the relationship. In this case, that’s exactly what’s going on.
Your boyfriend has gotten very good at masturbating. So good in fact, that he’s forgotten how to derive pleasure directly from you, and is only able to achieve orgasm by using his own hand.
This is an extremely common problem.
You’ve done nothing to cause this issue, but you can definitely do something to help solve the problem. When men masturbate constantly, they develop what’s called idiosyncratic masturbation, where they’re only able to achieve orgasm when they touch themselves in a very specific way. So the way you can get your boyfriend to achieve orgasm with you, is with a little experimentation.
First, he needs to show you exactly how he masturbates to orgasm. That will give you an idea of the kind of stimulation he’s used to. You may be able to mimic those rhythms or patterns during lovemaking, or by doing something similar yourself.
You can also suggest that he tone down the masturbation…that will definitely make him more sensitive to stimulation and should, just by itself, raise the probability that he’ll have an orgasm during lovemaking.
If he’s comfortable with this approach, and you’re both relaxed enough to try different things, I think you’ll find that he’ll prefer to have his orgasms with you rather than with himself.
Shelly, you’re right to raise this issue because not only is it a problem in your relationship right now, it would certainly be a problem if you plan on having children. It’s important that you both work on this now so you can have a child naturally, when the time is right. I guarantee that when you tell your boyfriend what his issue is, he’ll be relieved to find out he doesn’t have a medical condition, and that this problem can be solved outside of the hospital.
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